Giving Space to Your Space Cadet

As your teenagers are given more responsibility, so should their independence increase. Research has shown that it is crucial for adolescents to have a chance to develop their autonomy instead of having their parents be intrusive or over controlling (ACT for Youth, n.d.). Foltz’s research found that children cannot learn accountability when their parents are overprotective. He explains that adolescents develop their autonomy as they decipher their own thoughts and ideas through personal space. He warns parents to not revert in limiting space for punishment because the limited freedom will actually make their teenager resist more (2011). What are some ways that will help you improve your relationship with your teen as you try to find the balance between helicopter parenting and permitting independence?

It can seem like teenagers get out of hand and off in their own world, but they are learning how to manage life on their own. Here are a few ways to rein in your space cadet while still letting them venture this new life they are forming.

Understanding the Cycle of Trust and Communication

Parents that balance demandingness with responsiveness “allow enough autonomy for adolescents to develop their capabilities and at the same time requir[e] them to exercise their increased autonomy in a responsible way” (Arnett, 2018, p. 199). This means parents encourage discussion through love and concern for their teen’s well-being, which helps their teens think and act more maturely (Arnett, 2018). Trust will come in your parent-teen relationship as you monitor, support, and openly communicate with one another. Teenagers trust their parents when they disclose information freely but feel invaded in their privacy when parents secretly monitor their actions (Kerr & Stattin, 1999; Metzger, Ice, & Cottrell, 2012). Metzger et al. found “parents who had higher levels of trust in their teens encouraged more frequent disclosure on the part of the adolescent, which reduced the need for them to engage in active monitoring strategies” (2012, p. 8). Kerr added that trust comes to both parent and child through information, and information comes from from maintaining communication (1999). As you keep the channels of communication open, they will be comfortable disclosing more information than when they are pressured to talk.

When to Invade Privacy

However, there may come a time when a parent feels the need to invade their child’s territory by searching their room or reading their journal. This should be reserved for when there are signs of depression or signs of hurting him/herself or others (Whitmer, 2017). Lack of enthusiasm, changes in sleeping patterns, becoming withdrawn, overreaction to criticism, or lack of concentration are signs to watch out for but more may manifest (National Institute, 2018).

An adolescent’s secrecy towards their parents typically means that there are deeper issues in an adolescent’s psychosocial wellbeing and behavioral adjustment (McCann, Perra, McLaughlin, McCartan, & Higgins, 2016). As adolescents keep secrets from their parents, they increasingly impair their ability to master self-regulation. Frijns, Finkenauer, Vermulst, and Engels found that “high levels of secrecy from parents cause depletion of the limited resources available for self-control, thus impairing adolescents’ capacity to self-control in other domains” (2005, p. 145).

When a teenager is acting abnormally, a parent should first communicate with their teen about the changes they notice then listen to what they have to say. It may just be a hard time for the teen instead of major issues. If there is more going on, a parent can take the proper steps to adequately respond to their teenager’s needs (Fijn et al., 2005).

Challenge

Watch the following video to understand why teenagers feel it is hard to talk to their parents:

Please ponder the following questions related to the video, comment on any insights, and make a plan to incorporate what you have learned to build your relationship with your teen.

• Do you think your teenager is comfortable talking to you?
• What are ways you can become more approachable with your teen?
• How can you be more effective in aiding in your teen’s autonomy?
• Where is the balance between helicopter parenting and permitting independence?

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References

ACT for Youth. (n.d.). Parent-child relations in adolescence. Retrieved from www.actforyouth.net/resources/rf/rf_parent_0302.pdf

Arnett, J.A. (2018). Family relationships. In S. LeMay-Finn, A. Chow, and C. Turner (Eds.), Adolescence and emerging adulthood (pp. 188-225). Hoboken, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Figure 1. Space Cadet (2016). Retrieved from https://8tracks.com/sevenfivetwo/space-cadet

Foltz, R. (2011). Parental monitoring or an invasion of privacy?. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 20(3), 41-42.

Frijns, T., Finkenauer, C., Vermulst, A. A., & Engels, R. F. (2005). Keeping secrets from parents: Longitudinal associations of secrecy in adolescence. Journal Of Youth & Adolescence, 34(2), 137-148. doi:10.1007/s10964-005-3212-z

Kerr, M., & Stattin, H. (1999). To know you is to trust you: Parents' trust is rooted in child disclosure of information. Journal Of Adolescence, 22(6), 737.

McCann, M., Perra, O., McLaughlin, A., McCartan, C., & Higgins, K. (2016). Assessing elements of a family approach to reduce adolescent drinking frequency: Parent-adolescent relationship, knowledge management and keeping secrets. Addiction, 111(5), 843-853. doi:10.1111/add.13258

Metzger, A., Ice, C., & Cottrell, L. (2012). But I trust my teen: Parents' attitudes and response to a parental monitoring intervention. AIDS Research & Treatment, 1-10. doi:10.1155/2012/396163

National Institute of Mental Health (2018). Teen depression. [unpublished article]. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/teen-depression/index.shtml

Weston, G. (2013, Jan 15) Teens on talking with parents [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPT6-ASRhzo 

Whitmer, D. (2017, October 10). Why teens need privacy from their parents: Privacy and trust go hand-in-hand. [web log comment]. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-does-my-teen-need-privacy-2609615