Momma Didn’t Raise No Bum: Raising Self-Reliant Teens
Laurence Steinberg’s research shows that parents and their
adolescent become increasingly distant during puberty. This can create
conflicts between the parent-child relationship (1987). Parents may try to regain their connection
with their adolescent through indulging them in a “lack of rules and daily
health routines, few expectations to contribute to household chores, giving
into demands, and solving problems for adolescents rather than allowing them to
take responsibility” (Rehm, Darling, Coccia, & Cui, 2017, p. 278). Although
this is meant to be supportive or an act of love to their children, it is
actually delaying their independent ability (Rehm et al., 2017; Encourage
Responsibility, 2014). As children become adolescents, they gradually become
more self-regulating but need their parents support for healthy development.
Parents can positively monitor and assist as adolescents try to regulate
self-impulses and new formed abilities that prepare them for adulthood (Arnett,
2018). The following sections will help you “raise no bum”:
Be a good
example yourself
Studies have shown that adolescents
credit their core morals and values to their parents’ influence and shape their
own identity from the attitudes and behaviors of loved ones (Arnett,
2018). Research from Wray-Lake and
Flanagan also found that adolescents form social trust depending on their
parents opinions (2012). Ultimately, teenagers will take into account all you
say and do, even when you think they are not paying attention or listening.
This means that your motivation can affect their own. What are your aspirations
for your teen as an adult? Are you
reflecting qualities that will help your child become such?
Teaching
cause and effect/consequences
Modeling responsibility for your
teen is just a stepping stone. When you
model your own behavior, so should your teenager learn the consequences to
their actions (Encourage responsibility, 2014).
When a child forgets their homework or lunch at home, should the parent
bring it to school for them? It’s good
that children know parents will protect and comfort them when they make
mistakes, but if parents are consistently doing things for their children, they
will never be able to learn to be autonomous. “Stepping back also means letting
her fail once in a while, which can help her build resilience” (Encourage
responsibility, 2014, p. 1).
As a parent, it’s difficult to watch
your children make mistakes, especially in the adolescent years when
life-changing decisions can occur. You should be there to guide them in the
right direction; however, you can let them fail in lower-stake moments, such as
when they are late meeting a friend or don’t fill up the car with gas before
going out. These small events will help them see how their actions, or lack of
actions, lead to natural consequences (Nelsen, 2006).
Give age
appropriate responsibilities
Consider for a moment the families
in less developed countries, such as Ghana or Chile. In Ghana, children’s
household chores begin early and “by the age of 5 or 6 many children have tasks
that are set aside for them to do on a daily basis” (Twum-Danso, 2009, p. 423).
Chile is very similar in that lower-income families need their children to help
with household chores in order to sustain the family. The physical size,
competence, and abilities of children are taken into account, and the amount
and difficulty of the tasks increases as the child ages. The children in these
instances develop autonomy at much younger ages than their more affluent
counterparts (Martinez, Perez, and Cumsille, 2014).
We have much to learn from these
examples. To help teenagers be ready for adulthood, parents should likewise
give them progressively more difficult tasks which will increase their ability
to become autonomous (Encourage responsibility). As your teenagers become
responsible, their work ethic will reflect in adulthood. Even if they don’t say
it now, your children will thank you for your help in establishing their
independence and worth ethic.
Kristi has an excellent blog post that lists ideas for
chores that teenagers can do. Check it out for helpful hints:
Allowing/establishing
privacy
As adolescents’ responsibilities
increases, so should their autonomy. “Authoritative parenting achieves a
balance between allowing enough autonomy of adolescents to develop their
capacities and... requiring them to exercise their increased autonomy in a responsible
way” (Arnett, 2018, p. 199). Teenage responsibility and independence are
interconnected in establishing positive develop. Please check in next week to learn more on
how giving your teenager space will establish healthy growth and allow less
conflict in your relationship.
Challenge
● Evaluate your current household and
find ways that you can encourage responsibility with your adolescents.
○ Comment below with ideas that work
for you and your teenagers.
● Think of an area in your life
(language, hobbies, service, etc) that you can improve and see if your teenager
changes similar habits. This will not yield fast results but positive changes
will produce positive results.
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References
Arnett, J.A. (2018). Family
relationships. In S. LeMay-Finn, A. Chow, and C. Turner (Eds.), Adolescence and emerging adulthood (pp.
188-225). Hoboken, NJ: Pearson
Education, Inc.
Encouraging responsibility: A guide
for parents. (2014). Brown University
Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter, 30,
1-2.
Figure 1. Teen independence and its 5 pillars-infographic (2017).
Retrieved from https://graphicspedia.net/teen-independence-and-its-5-pillars/
Figure 2. Your child is a reflection of you (2016). Retrieved from http://mycitywoman.com/your-child-is-a-reflection-of-you/
Martínez, M. L., Pérez, J. C., &
Cumsille, P. (2014). Chilean adolescents' and parents' views on autonomy
development. Youth and Society.
46(2), 176-200. doi:10.1177/0044118X11434215
Nelsen, J. (2006). Natural
consequences. In J. Nelsen (Ed.), Positive
discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline,
responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills (pp. 101-121). New
York City, NY: Ballantine Books.
Rehm, M., Darling, C. A., Coccia,
C., & Cui, M. (2017). Parents' perspectives on indulgence: remembered
experiences and meanings when they were adolescents and as current parents of
adolescents. Journal Of Family Studies,
23(3), 278-295.
doi:10.1080/13229400.2015.1106335
Steinberg, L. (1987). Impact of
puberty on family relations: Effects of pubertal status and pubertal timing. Developmental Psychology, 23(3), 451-460. doi:
10.1037/0012-1649.23.3.451
Twum-Danso, A. (2009). Reciprocity,
respect and responsibility: The 3Rs underlying parent child relationships in
Ghana and the implications for children's rights. International Journal Of Children's Rights, 17(3), 415-432. doi:10.1163/157181809X430337
Wray-Lake, L., & Flanagan, C. A. (2012).
Parenting practices and the development of adolescents’ social trust. Journal Of Adolescence, 35(3), 549-560. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2011.09.006
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