Securing Your Mask First
Do you feel inadequate raising your
teenager? Would you like different techniques to improve your relationship?
Even though your adolescent may act like you’re not important, this is the time they most need your support
and guidance (Arnett, 2018). Research has shown
negative parenting behavior and overprotective parenting may lead to
disruptive and antisocial behavior in teens (Mousavi, Low, & Hashim, 2016;
Vera, Granero, & Ezpeleta, 2012). While combining the parenting pyramid
from the Arbinger Company (Arbinger) and growth mindset techniques (Jach, Sun,
Loton, Chin, & Waters, 2018), you can improve your own open-mindedness and
aid in evolving your relationship with your teenager. As flight attendants commonly announce, you
need to first secure your own mask before assisting others.
The Arbinger Company uses the
parenting pyramid to improve your parenting techniques. The first steps to incorporate successful
parenting is to 1) understand your personal way-of-being, 2) improve your
relationship with your spouse or your teenager’s other parent, 3) find teaching
moments, and 4) use correction only when necessary (1998). We will be focusing
on the first two steps to begin improving your relationship with your child.
Personal Way
of Being using Growth Mindset
If we are not mentally prepared, it
will reflect in our relationships with others.
Just like a pyramid, our base for helping our children should be our own
way of thinking. Our mood determines our actions and reactions to the people
around us. The old saying, “If Mama's
not happy, nobody’s happy” is a great example of what our attitude reflects to
our children.
A study conducted by Kyla Haimovitz and Carol S. Dweck reveals that our
mindsets can determine our outcomes.
Parents in the study were found to believe failure can cripple parenting
practices when their minds were set on failure. It also concluded that
“children's perceptions of their parents’ failure mindsets also predicted their
own intelligence mindsets” (2016, p. 859).
What does it mean to have a failure
mindset or predicting intelligence mindsets?
Carol S. Dweck has categorized our intelligence mindsets into two
categories: fixed and growth. Here is a
short video explaining the difference:
Our habits, both the good and the
bad, are learned by our children. Our
children go through social, emotional, and physical changes when they become
teenagers. They can either positively adapt
to the changes with a growth mindset or try to fight the changes by holding on
to their fixed mindset. Our way-of-being
affects their own as they watch and listen to how we react to situations. When
we change our way-of-being from a fixed to a growth mindset, we are allowing
ourselves and those who view us as role models to adapt to change (Jach et al.,
2018).
Husband-Wife
Relationship
It’s not uncommon for children to
get in the middle of marital frustrations. Arbinger taught, “When there is
conflict, children almost always get used” (1998, p. 5). This is not healthy
for the children nor the adults involved. Research from Rich, Hanna, and Wright
found miscommunication between spouses will commonly provide children
opportunities to play their parents against one another to get what they
want. Spouses need to feel loved and
have their core psychological needs met in order to be satisfied (2017). When
those needs are met, the parents are more united and can tackle parenting
together. Children need to see their
parents working together in unity and love (Arbinger, 1998).
Here is a video entitled “Love Her
Mother” (Mormon Channel, 2011). Note that the principles found in the video can
also be applied toward women about their husbands. While you watch, consider
why it’s important for your children to see you show love to your spouse.
What’s Next?
The
information posted on this blog is just a stepping stone to help you improve
your relationship with your teenager. We
would like you to consider and comment on any of the following questions to
help increase learning, share insights, and apply these teachings in your life:
-
In what ways do I have a fixed mindset?
-
How has my fixed mindset rubbed off onto my child?
-
Consider some ways to help achieve a growth mindset. In what
ways can you start improving the way you perceive others and yourself?
-
If I have a spouse, how can I build my relationship with him
or her? If not, how can a build my relationships with my adolescent’s role
models?
Challenge
Test your mindset with Carol Dweck’s
quiz, explore her website, and come back
with any additional insights to share with others.
Feedback
Welcome
Please take
a few moments to fill out a brief survey.
It is completely confidential and will be used for demographic and
educational purposes. Your responses will help improve our blog for future
readers and enhance future articles.
Disclaimer: The authors of this
online curriculum are not therapists and are not authorized to give
personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is
the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or
organization.
References
Arbinger (1998) The parenting pyramid. Unpublished Article. Retrieved from
http://www.krapu4.com/psy/PDF/ParentingPyramid.pdf
Arnett, J.A. (2018). Family
relationships. In S. LeMay-Finn, A. Chow, and C. Turner (Eds.), Adolescence and emerging adulthood
(pp.188-225). Hoboken, NJ: Pearson
Education, Inc.
Dweck, C. S. (2006) Test your
mindset. Retrieved from https://www.mindsetonline.com/testyourmindset/step1.php
Haimovitz, K., & Dweck, C. S.
(2016). Parents’ views of failure predict children’s fixed and growth intelligence
mind-sets. Psychological Science, 27(6), 859-869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797616639727
[Mormonchannel]. (2011, October 4).
Sister Elaine S Dalton - love her mother [Video File]. Retrieved from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuyGiF7URpE&t=264s
Mousavi, S., Low, W., & Hashim,
A. (2016). Perceived parenting styles and cultural influences in adolescent's
anxiety: a cross-cultural comparison. Journal
Of Child & Family Studies, 25(7),
2102-2110. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0393-x
Jach, H. K., Sun, J., Loton, D.,
Chin, T. C., & Waters, L. E. (2018). Strengths and subjective wellbeing in
adolescence: strength-based parenting and the moderating effect of mindset. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19(2), 567-586. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-016-9841-y
Rich, S., Hanna, S., & Wright,
B. J. (2017). Simply satisfied: the role of psychological need satisfaction in
the life satisfaction of voluntary simplifiers. Journal Of Happiness Studies, 18(1),
89-105. doi:10.1007/s10902-016-9718-0
Spencer, J. (2017, March 26)
Mindsets: fixed versus growth [Video File]. Retrieved from http://www.spring.org.uk/the1sttransport
Vera, J., Granero, R., &
Ezpeleta, L. (2012). Father's and mother's perceptions of parenting styles as
mediators of the effects of parental psychopathology on antisocial behavior in outpatient
children and adolescents. Child
Psychiatry & Human Development, 43(3),
376-392. doi:10.1007/s10578-011-0272-z
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