Securing Your Mask First


Do you feel inadequate raising your teenager? Would you like different techniques to improve your relationship? Even though your adolescent may act like you’re not important,  this is the time they most need your support and guidance (Arnett, 2018). Research has shown  negative parenting behavior and overprotective parenting may lead to disruptive and antisocial behavior in teens (Mousavi, Low, & Hashim, 2016; Vera, Granero, & Ezpeleta, 2012). While combining the parenting pyramid from the Arbinger Company (Arbinger) and growth mindset techniques (Jach, Sun, Loton, Chin, & Waters, 2018), you can improve your own open-mindedness and aid in evolving your relationship with your teenager.  As flight attendants commonly announce, you need to first secure your own mask before assisting others. 


The Arbinger Company uses the parenting pyramid to improve your parenting techniques.  The first steps to incorporate successful parenting is to 1) understand your personal way-of-being, 2) improve your relationship with your spouse or your teenager’s other parent, 3) find teaching moments, and 4) use correction only when necessary (1998). We will be focusing on the first two steps to begin improving your relationship with your child.



Personal Way of Being using Growth Mindset

If we are not mentally prepared, it will reflect in our relationships with others.  Just like a pyramid, our base for helping our children should be our own way of thinking. Our mood determines our actions and reactions to the people around us.  The old saying, “If Mama's not happy, nobody’s happy” is a great example of what our attitude reflects to our children.

  A study conducted by Kyla Haimovitz and Carol S. Dweck reveals that our mindsets can determine our outcomes.  Parents in the study were found to believe failure can cripple parenting practices when their minds were set on failure. It also concluded that “children's perceptions of their parents’ failure mindsets also predicted their own intelligence mindsets” (2016, p. 859).

What does it mean to have a failure mindset or predicting intelligence mindsets?  Carol S. Dweck has categorized our intelligence mindsets into two categories: fixed and growth.  Here is a short video explaining the difference:





Our habits, both the good and the bad, are learned by our children.  Our children go through social, emotional, and physical changes when they become teenagers.  They can either positively adapt to the changes with a growth mindset or try to fight the changes by holding on to their fixed mindset.  Our way-of-being affects their own as they watch and listen to how we react to situations. When we change our way-of-being from a fixed to a growth mindset, we are allowing ourselves and those who view us as role models to adapt to change (Jach et al., 2018).



Husband-Wife Relationship

It’s not uncommon for children to get in the middle of marital frustrations. Arbinger taught, “When there is conflict, children almost always get used” (1998, p. 5). This is not healthy for the children nor the adults involved. Research from Rich, Hanna, and Wright found miscommunication between spouses will commonly provide children opportunities to play their parents against one another to get what they want.  Spouses need to feel loved and have their core psychological needs met in order to be satisfied (2017). When those needs are met, the parents are more united and can tackle parenting together.  Children need to see their parents working together in unity and love (Arbinger, 1998).

Here is a video entitled “Love Her Mother” (Mormon Channel, 2011). Note that the principles found in the video can also be applied toward women about their husbands. While you watch, consider why it’s important for your children to see you show love to your spouse. 





What’s Next?

            The information posted on this blog is just a stepping stone to help you improve your relationship with your teenager.  We would like you to consider and comment on any of the following questions to help increase learning, share insights, and apply these teachings in your life:

-          In what ways do I have a fixed mindset?

-          How has my fixed mindset rubbed off onto my child?

-          Consider some ways to help achieve a growth mindset. In what ways can you start improving the way you perceive others and yourself?

-          If I have a spouse, how can I build my relationship with him or her? If not, how can a build my relationships with my adolescent’s role models?

Challenge

Test your mindset with Carol Dweck’s quiz, explore her website, and come back  with any additional insights to share with others. 

http://mindsetonline.com/testyourmindset/step2.php

Feedback Welcome

            Please take a few moments to fill out a brief survey.  It is completely confidential and will be used for demographic and educational purposes. Your responses will help improve our blog for future readers and enhance future articles.

 Reader Survey



Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.




References

Arbinger (1998) The parenting pyramid. Unpublished Article. Retrieved from

http://www.krapu4.com/psy/PDF/ParentingPyramid.pdf

Arnett, J.A. (2018). Family relationships. In S. LeMay-Finn, A. Chow, and C. Turner (Eds.), Adolescence and emerging adulthood (pp.188-225). Hoboken, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Dweck, C. S. (2006) Test your mindset. Retrieved from https://www.mindsetonline.com/testyourmindset/step1.php

Haimovitz, K., & Dweck, C. S. (2016). Parents’ views of failure predict children’s fixed and growth intelligence mind-sets. Psychological Science, 27(6), 859-869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797616639727

[Mormonchannel]. (2011, October 4). Sister Elaine S Dalton - love her mother [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuyGiF7URpE&t=264s

Mousavi, S., Low, W., & Hashim, A. (2016). Perceived parenting styles and cultural influences in adolescent's anxiety: a cross-cultural comparison. Journal Of Child & Family Studies, 25(7), 2102-2110. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0393-x

Jach, H. K., Sun, J., Loton, D., Chin, T. C., & Waters, L. E. (2018). Strengths and subjective wellbeing in adolescence: strength-based parenting and the moderating effect of mindset. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19(2), 567-586. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-016-9841-y

Rich, S., Hanna, S., & Wright, B. J. (2017). Simply satisfied: the role of psychological need satisfaction in the life satisfaction of voluntary simplifiers. Journal Of Happiness Studies, 18(1), 89-105. doi:10.1007/s10902-016-9718-0

Spencer, J. (2017, March 26) Mindsets: fixed versus growth [Video File]. Retrieved from http://www.spring.org.uk/the1sttransport

Vera, J., Granero, R., & Ezpeleta, L. (2012). Father's and mother's perceptions of parenting styles as mediators of the effects of parental psychopathology on antisocial behavior in outpatient children and adolescents. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 43(3), 376-392. doi:10.1007/s10578-011-0272-z

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